A little weekend goodness

At 4AM Monday morning.  Nothing like waking up twenty times to pee, catching a leg cramp, finally getting comfortable, and then being interrupted yet again by a cacophony of snoring from your manz and two furry beasts.

I'M UP!  

Made myself some oatmeal pancakes, grabbed my fuzzy blanket, and figured I'd catch you up on nothing major - just a few things I happened upon this weekend that made me a happy bunny. 

Since the weather is continuing on this trend of out of season amazing, I had the motivation to do some much overdue closet purging and reorganizing. This left me with several bags of clothing to donate and also the realization that if I intend to go outside this spring and summer, I need to get some mama clothes. I love my bumparoo more every day, but dressing around it and staying true to myself is a challenge. True to me revolves around two basic fundamentals - I love a classic and I love a bargain, so plunking down change on clothes I may only wear for a few more months hurts a little...er, a lot, actually.  For this reason, I've been staying away from maternity stores and trying to shop silhouettes that will be flexible now and still work postpartum. It takes some patience and an open mind, but what shopping trip doesn't, eh?

Surprising source of maternity wear #1 - Forever 21.  I know.  But every time I write them off as way below my age threshold, here they come with some crazy affordable, on trend clothing that could have just easily been hanging on the rack at J.Crew.

I submit to the jury... 

Essential Linen-Blend Shorts $13.50 

Pretty much everything I love about shorts now that I'm a grown up.  Slouchy, but still flattering fit, long enough to cover my bum without reaching my knees, and on-trend with all the yummy pastels I'm seeing everywhere for spring.  I sized up one to make room for the baby hips, let them sit right under the belly, and boom. Mama shorts.

I got them in the minty green, lavender, peach, and khaki. Four pair of shorts for $54.

Tie Dye Maxi Dress $24.80

I resisted the maxi trend when it came around last spring/summer.  I'm shortish, 5'4" and a half, so I didn't think I had the height to pull this off.  Turns out, it doesn't really matter how tall (or not) you are, maxis are freakin comfortable, and especially so when you're pregnant. This dress is soft, has a nice weight for warm spring and not too sweltering summer, and has an adorable cap sleeve that gives much appreciated coverage and bra concealment for those of us plagued with unruly baby boobs. Strapless is great if you can do it, but I need a serious bra every day to get the support I need.  I hate when straps show but I still want something breezy and comfortable.  This is it.  Works with flats, works with a wedge, no jewelry, chunky jewelry, with my favorite knit pullover for cool nights, with nothing. Stayed true to size. Love.

Lace Stripes Top $11.50

This is just perfectly pretty. The cotton is soft, the lace is smooth and not scratchy. With a long cami underneath, any pair of my new shorts, cute sandals, and a bracelet or a necklace this will probably be my weekend "I want to look dressed" uniform.  Sized up one to drape nicely over the belly, and will still work as a slouchy weekend tee when baby makes her debut.

I also have some product love to share. It's not a weekend without a trip to Target, obviously.

Have you heard of BB cream yet? It's all over the blogosphere as of late, and I've started seeing commercials for various department store and specialty brands. It's touted as a cure-all, cover-all, tinted moisturizer plus.

Target had all the Garnier products on sale so I picked up the Garnier Miracle Skin Perfector in Light/Medium and the Garnier Skin Renew Anti-Dark Circle Roller.

These two products could be my makeup regime from now through the end of summer. The Skin Perfector is lightweight, non-greasy, not too much pink or yellow in the pigment, and lets my natural skin tones and variances come through while also evening out and brightening my complexion. May sound contradictory, but it truly does what it says, giving you glowy, hydrated, balanced skin with sun protection.

I had a BOGO coupon so I also picked up the under eye roller. I usually have a disdain for concealers, but this one is really more of a brightener. I gave it two swipes under each eye and felt immediate refreshment. The formula is cool but not tingly or irritating. I noticed an immediate reduction in puffiness, the whites of my eyes looked brighter, and the effect lasted the rest of the day. Very much enjoy these products in tandem. If I can manage to smear these across my face, maybe sneak in a dollop of lip gloss, I will consider myself a new mom success.

And last but not least, it's self tanner time.  I used to be a Neutrogena addict, but I've noticed that the after application self tanner smell is gawd awful strong on their products, and no matter how natural the color my new spidey senses just can't handle it. I've had good luck in the past with the Jergens Natural Glow products, so I decided to give the foaming self tanner formula a go.

I like that the Natural Glow products take longer to fully develop so you can mitigate your level of fauxness. I applied the tanner in Fair to Medium Saturday night and again Sunday evening immediately after showering and buffing my skin dry with a towel.  The foam is rich and smooth and goes on like a sheer lotion. Spreads evenly and easily - much easier to spread than a lotion. You can feel the moisturizing properties, which is a nice change of pace from most self tanners that tend to dry up your skin. Since application is half the battle, this product had already won me over. I woke up Sunday morning with a nice, even glow - my skin plus. Now, about 12 hours after application #2 I have an even warmth with no streaks or dark patches that I think I can live on for a few days before needing to apply again.  

And the best part of all - no nasty self tanner smell. NONE. I kid you not. Buy some.

So that's it kids, not a bad weekend.  Did I mention I even mopped the floor? Nesting instinct is no joke.

**Also want to sneak in a mention for another giveaway courtesy of The Art of Making a Baby. This is for a Dear Johnnies hospital gown, something cute and comfortable to wear postpartum in the hospital when you're still being checked every couple of hours, nursing and caring for your new little one, and not wanting anything to come too close to touching your superhero parts. I know not everyone cares, but I love that fun extras like this exist. It's important to feel good and whatever does that for you, I'm all for it.

Alright loves, it's pushing 6AM and I'm going to bravely attempt the shove over and be silent technique on Old Man Wood Saw upstairs.

Thank goodness for the under eye roller, all I'm sayin.

Blog Nod (and a giveaway I'm excited about and am mentioning to get extra entries to win, but kinda hoping you don't enter so I have a better chance.. but read her blog! Ok?)

Hey Party People!

Just a quick shout out for a blog I've been very recently turned on to... The Art of Making a Baby. A friend emailed me the link after we had a three, maaaybeee four or five hour long conversation about natural childbirth and I've been both humbled and inspired by this mom's committment to go natural, both throughout her pregnancy and during her labor and delivery.  And she also looks supermodel gorgeous doing all of it, so you know the words, sing it with me now... We've got hiiiiigh hopes, we've got hiiiiigh hopes! 

Anyhoooo, take a gander at that.. and while we're at it.. very quietly and without much fanfare I also have to mention the giveaway she's got going on for a Pretty Pushers Labor Gown. Laugh, joke, raise your eyebrows, but lemmetellyawhat... those gowns are cute y'all.. and they're sleeveless and there's room for the baby monitor and an open, easy un-do halter neckline.. and since, God willing, I'm delivering sometime this summer I'm all about it.  Besides, if you knew me in real life you wouldn't think twice about me posting this (Hey April!) oh, and the whole kit-n-kaboodle is meant to be disposable after your little one is in the world.. so wrap me up one, would ya?

Now, if you simply must dash my hopes of winning one of these gowns myself, take your good old time checking out the sidebar in her blog to enter.  Unless you're gonna try to win one for me, then by all means, rush right over and tell your friends!

Mommy Strength

Today marks the halfway point.  Baby Girl is exactly 20 weeks along and but by the grace of God that she does not inherit my chronic tardiness, the number of days until we meet should hopefully amount to less than the number that have gotten us here.  By the Grace. Of. God, people!

I'm starting to feel like her Mom.  I've known of course, since she was just a flickering peanut, that I was going to be her mother, but in the past few weeks it has changed from something I'm waiting for to something I'm becoming. I've transitioned from talking about my pregnancy to hearing myself say "my daughter" and absolutely delighting in the purpose two simple words give every day conversation.  This transition has also given me a brand new perspective on this whole pregnancy thing and provided me with some pretty handy tools to navigate some of the more challenging first-time mom moments.

One of those moments is when one is faced with the most dreaded of all pregnancy evils... the Mommy Bully.

You know the one.  She asks you about all the intimate details of your pregnancy, your birth plan, your thoughts on how you plan to raise your child, and when you answer she wastes no time in tearing your heartfelt and well-researched goals and aspirations to tattered rags.  It goes something like this...

Mommy Bully: Sooooo! You're five months along, huh? Do you know where you're going to deliver?

Innocent Pregnant Woman: Yes! We're delivering at Come One Come All Hospital. We just had our tour and we really like the staff and birth sui-

(you're cut off mid-sentence)

Mommy Bully: (eyes rolling) Ohhh nooo, weeeee delivered at Holier Than Thou Hospital and my epidural was a cocktail of percocet and champagne and my ob is a direct descendant of the midwife who delivered Jesus.. you're getting an epidural right? You're not one of these new-age natural birth mothers, oh for heaven's sake please don't say-

(you cut her off mid-sentence)

Innocent Pregnant Woman: Actually, I am hoping to have a natural delivery but I'm staying open to the possibility that I might want help, hence why I'm delivering at a hospital.

Mommy Bully: Oh but truuuust me, five seconds in and you're going to be begging for the epidural.  Don't be a hero, there are no awards for giving birth the Stone Age way you know... [negative negative negative, condescending condescending, condescending...]

You could substitute any topic - breastfeeding, swaddling, cloth diapers, strollers versus baby carriers... there is literally no end to the backlash a first-time mom receives from the been-there-done-that crowd.  It will come from the well-meaning, the spiteful, the have-no-sense-of-social-decency-whatsoever, your friends, your family, your coworkers, your cashier at Target. 

And then you have a choice.  You can either do what I did up until a few weeks ago, which was to internalize my anger and hurt and wait until I got home to unleash it all in a blizzard of tears and sobs and "Why doesn't anyone respect my choices?? I'm going to be her mother!! They were new mothers themselves one time, don't they remember what it's like?!?! Don't they think I want the best for my child??? What kind of person tries to talk another woman out of making her own choices as a parent?!?!"

Or, you can take a breath and remind yourself of the one simple, irrefutable truth.. YOU alone are your baby's mother.

I can't tell you what a quick glance in the mirror every now and then, saying these words to myself with a hand on my belly, has done for my state of mind and my resolve. It reminds me that no matter what criticism or negativity comes my way now, something so much bigger and better is coming to stay.  And I dare somebody to challenge her cute little cloth-covered bottom once she's here.

140 days and counting...

  

In moves peace

(Just past 3AM Wednesday, been awake since 5AM Tuesday. Managed to twirl my hair around a curling iron this morning and kept my makeup relatively fresh throughout the day, hence the rare stamina to sit here looking quasi-presentable and write to you anyones out there about what yet I'm not too sure. Bear with.)

I so admire the blogs of 5 or 6 sentences that describe a day, describe an outfit, link the two seamlessly together, infuse a shot of philosophy, and scene. My reader is full of them and they've helped break me of my magazine addiction, for which I am forever grateful. The thing is, they can do that because they do it every day and those of you who are fellow faithful blog followers will understand what I mean when I say that you come to know these women like the neighbor down the street who can just pop in to say hello, while I on the other hand tend to err on the side of moderately bitter old harpie who only emerges from her shades drawn bat cave when the children have cleared the streets and the weather outside is not a degree below bathwater. I would love to write every day, and if you count the continuous reel of monologue playing in my head I suppose in some way I do, but most of the time trying to strain the good through the lumps of gritty bad is too much for this crazy old cat(less) lady to manage.

Lately though, there's been a new reason to write, a new thing to think on, and rather than let this time go undocumented, only existing for me and my unsorted mind to remember, I want to share it with you.

Ladies, readers, friends.. I am pregnant.  Deliciously, ever-increasingly, several months and a pair of days pregnant with a five and a half inch scrumptch of a baby girl, who if she inherits even a trace of her great-grandmother's good graces will hopefully grant forgiveness for what appears to be the unfortunate resemblance of my nose.

And there it is, in all its miraculous, confusing, terrifying glory.  A baby is coming.  My baby.

I have struggled for weeks over whether or not to bring this story here, to this format, this breach of anonymity and privacy the past 18 months have taught me to cherish. And not so triumphantly, I can't say that I came to the decision so much as the decision came to me.. earlier this evening in a hall light lit bathroom taking in for the very first time that this woman-in-repair staring back from the mirror is not just me... it's me and it's Her.  Her is here now, not just Situation or Circumstance or What next to do.. occupying the space that was empty, longing for reconciliation and absolution, praying every night for Belief, is Her. My daughter is with me now, every moment of every day, and the relief, the forgiveness, the peace I furiously clung to hope that God would grant to heal the constant ache in my heart... He did me one better.  He moved peace right in, and so very precious, about once or twice a day, I feel -literally- peace moving within me.

It may be the first time in my life as a believer that I've not mistaken grace for mere relief, that I've felt something not just calming, but also stabilizing and determining. That the answer to my prayers has brought me closer to God than I even thought to ask for, and that His answer to my doubt and despair was a to-the-knees resounding, "You are My child and you absolutely can do this. I would have it no other way."

This is about the time in the mind-reel when I would just as soon turn the microphone over to God Himself and let Him tell the story His way.  I clearly fall short, and.. well... this is ultimately His story anyway, isn't it?

Short of a divine intercom system, I will, for now, leave you with this - I am grateful, so very grateful, but I am also, more often than not, scared out of my mind. What about my big ole proclamation of faith, you ask? Oh it's there, staunchly and steadfastly my faith in my God and myself is there, but me and Her.. we are both still learning, both growing together, and for today my simple hope is that on this fast-approaching day when my sweet little girl is born, she will be a brand new baby in the world and I will be worth her. 

"Peace is not the absence of noise, trouble, or hard work.  It is to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

**Together, today, we look a little like this...

And the peace that She's giving me, something like this...

Thanks for staying with me, more to follow.







**I realize this blurry iPhone pic could use a bit of editing, but I kinda like the Hopper-ishness of it, and frankly, sometimes blurry ain't bad.

Sweet coma bliss

I used to loathe the day after Thanksgiving.  During my retail days it meant waking up at the crack of dawn to be at the mall when it opened at 6am, only to spend the next ten to twelve hours working at the equivalent pace of a hamster running on a treadmill whilst being pelted with rogue shopping bags, attitude, and on more than one occasion, baby spit-up.  True story, that one.

When I finally got to 401k job status, I thought for sure my days working the grind on Black Friday were over, but working in mortgages during the boom, and then changing careers to work in healthcare meant that every day the banks were open or people were experiencing emergencies, I was on the clock.

This is the first year in a long while that I've been at my job long enough to a) have accrued a nice chunk of vacation time, and b) actually had the seniority to use it, so many months ago I requested off for today and didn't have to cover call for the weekend.  It was absolutely glorious to come home last night, slip on pajamas, and truly relax.

And then this morning, I woke up to 60 degree weather with blue skies, a respectable stash of leftovers, and fresh ground coffee set to brew at exactly 9am.

We are in grown up heaven here folks.

I took a cue from Jessica over at How Sweet It Is and threw a healthy portion of my leftovers in a pan, topped them off with two over-easy eggs, and parked it to watch my bf Jerry O'Connell rule the school on Live with Kelly.

This is my life today...

And this is my partner...

And in case you're wondering, my day after Thanksgiving breakfast hash consisted of mashed potatoes, crumbled up stuffing, and diced sweet potatoes.  I browned 'em up in a skillet with a little bit of olive oil, added chopped celery, bacon, and a sprig of sage, and topped with two over easy eggs.  Oh, and I also added shredded cheddar.  Because I had to.

Thankful and Tank-full

Hello everyone and the most delicious and warm Thanksgiving to you all!!

Man oh man, this day was wonderful.

Just a few things and then I'm settling in on the sofa with a blanket, new crazy comfy jammies (these are heaven), and a spoiled puppy with leftover turkey in her sweet little belly.  I think it's gonna be a Serendipity night, or maybe a little Family Stone.  We'll see how much emotion I'm up for...

This is my first go-round with Bex and her Thursday Latelies link-up.  As you'll see, I'm not very webcam savvy (there's a motion delay I couldn't figure out, horrible lighting, raccoon eyes not at all indicative of how much eyeliner I was actually wearing, and I think I fussed with my hair too much), buuuuut I'm trying to get back in to the swing of things with blogging and I thought sidling up with a blog I'm fond of, and a blogger I respect, might help me find some inspiration and direction.  

Mostly, I'm just trying to find my balance.  It's one thing to feel strong, quite another to feel grounded, and it's hard to open up when you feel like your walking the tightrope.  I'm getting there though.  I'm getting to a place where I realize, and fully embrace, that my mistakes are not the end of the world.  Not even the end of my world.  Nothing is ever all bad.  And most importantly, nothing has more importance than God's grace.  Nothing I can do will ever outweigh God's ability to forgive, and I am finally beginning to understand the gravity of that truth.

I've also come to appreciate that a loving, united family is a gift, an absolute gift, and cherishing that family is an honor, not a responsibility.  I'm blessed to have what I have, nothing short of an abundance, in friends and family.  I'm so very thankful.  Or as my cousin's two and half year old daughter would say, "Tank-full".

Happy Holidays xo

(And PS - what's up with Vimeo picking the most unflattering freeze frame possible?  Uh Vimeo, I haz a suggestion for you...)

(Oh, and PPS - I recorded this video before I realized I'd be linking you back to my actual blog, so of course you know where my blog is now and that whole shazazz in the beginning about not knowing my web address is redundant.. and embarrassing.)

Remember who you are

It feels so good to be writing again, even if I really have no idea how to say what I want to share with you.  There have been dozens, hundreds more likely, of moments over the past however many months I've been off the grid where I've talked this post out to myself, trying to make it take shape. And then each day would bring with it new and unexpected challenges, making yesterday's thoughts seem no longer relevant.  There is also a hesitancy in detailing how you are struggling to recreate yourself.  Wondering if strangers will understand things you're not even sure of yourself.  I've been wanting to tell you where I have settled, and almost seven months later it seems I finally have.  Or at least I have begun.

This past April I moved from the suburbs to a tiny brick rowhouse in Baltimore City.  The house is smaller in actual living space than my first, much cheaper apartment, but it's comfortable and manageable, and in it I'm beginning to heal.  I had so many fears moving here that now seem so childish, like I was a kid going off to college for the first time.  Or heck, like I was seventh grade me going off to sleep-away camp for the first time.  Parking, grocery stores, where to walk my dog, can I even afford this, will I be safe on my own... will I be sane on my own.  So far I am thrilled to report that I'm doing well on five out of six - the sanity is a luxury item, most days I thrive on functional stability.  

I wish I had been brave enough, or together enough, to include you in the journey all along.  This summer was full of adventures and fun and deep laughter with friends who stood by my side without having to be asked.  There was the first sunny day I walked Daphne to Federal Hill park and saw the view of the Baltimore Harbor.  Water and old city buildings, people playing volleyball and boating in the marina across the way.. it was beautiful, peaceful, and revitalizing... and I realized that this is where I live. I sat on a bench taking it in while my pup snoozed on the grass, feeling incredibly blessed to have landed in this place, and it was one of the many, many times that I mentally penned a love note to you all.

Now I'm in a place where I'm starting to feel pieces of me coming back to life.  Sometimes it's painful, like waking a limb, and sometimes it's a piece that's been dormant for so long, I have to pause and remember.  Remember who I am, who I want to be, the kind of woman I was ultimately created to be.  It's funny how much numbness you have to go through to actually get to the healing, but here I am.  Pins and needles.