Monday, February 21, 2011

A truly awful sweetness.

I have versed and outlined and put this post into rough draft at least a dozen times.  I’ve talked it out in the car as though you were there, trying to unearth a way to explain my absence that is apologetic but grateful, relevant without being egregiously revealing.  I want you to know what’s been going on, but I don’t want to drag you through the mire – especially not in your cute outfits. J  See?  There are still smiles.

The root of the root is this… After several months of trying at all costs to avoid this eventuality, my husband and I have, with heavy hearts, decided to separate.

In previous posts I mentioned that the road for my husband and I has not been easy.  We are a couple that came together despite obvious, and some would argue, fundamental differences that may have, in times of greater clarity not blinded by consuming 20x26 year old love, been reasons to amicably end a burgeoning relationship, rather than push it ever forward.  We have always been on the cusp of a new transition, a life-altering change, and with that we would habitually say “As soon as we this… that will be better.”  Stress, change, and trial have always revealed our weaknesses as a couple, rather than enhance our strengths.  We loved each other, we spoke a language that was uniquely our own, and the thought back then of ending a relationship where love really did exist seemed the most illogical of all culminations.  It never occurred to either of us that perhaps the most loving act we could do for each other was simply to let go.

There has been hurt and wrong-doing on both sides.  There are regrets and remorse that I will carry with me for a long, long time, and that I imagine, and maybe selfishly hope, so will he.  There is a continuously running reel of mistakes and shortcomings, moments of doubt and indecision playing in my mind, weighing on my heart, and rather than try to explain what is essentially our life, I will just say what most of us already know - that no one but no one can ever fully understand the intimacies and idiosyncrasies kneaded within the daily bread of two people.  I can hardly make sense of it myself.

We have these moments now.. now when my departure is within a few short weeks and not months.. moments of kindness towards one another that absolutely ache with the knowing of what’s to come.  Knowing we will each miss our friend, our lover, our companion, the holder of all the memories yet to be made in the life we thought we would have together, the only person who knew our grandparents when they were still alive.  I wish I could collect these moments in a jar, keep them on the night table by my pillow, hold some in my pocket throughout the day… but there are some things for which there is no real comfort, which must be felt completely, in the length of their entirety, wept for until your lungs go dry.  Before, our arguments meant we were still engaged, still here, still choosing life together.. the kindness now, though precious, feels like defeat.

I wrestled with whether or not to share this news.  This blog is a tiny little half-written diary that hasn’t yet found its voice and I thought who even cares or wants to know?  This post, this letter to anyone out there, is a bit of a catharsis for me, but in many ways close to my heart, this post is for you.  I have cherished each and every email I have received from readers and followers – those received most recently expressing concern, or just plain desire for me to come back and write, especially… These unsolicited kindnesses are an immeasurable comfort, and a sweetness I’m not sure how I can repay.

Enter the decision to share and disclose, and hopefully continue on.  Deep breath, preview, publish…