The man in my life

I have had a post in draft form for several weeks now, introducing you to the man who, among many other things, is the father of the sweet little baby due to arrive sometime in the next ten weeks or so.  I let him read the first few paragraphs last night and he smiled and playfully called me a nerd, probably because, I am true to form, the first few paragraphs were mostly me writing the way I would tell you the story in person - overly, and perhaps unnecessarily, animated, sarcastic, rambling, and dotted with irrelevant references to whatever was distracting my train of thought at the time. 

I sat down tonight to finish that post and do what I've been wanting to do for a while - to let you in on this new(ish) part of my life and fill in some details of the story of how this baby came to be. But I can't finish that post now, at least not in the way it was written. I was trying to tell you how and where we began, and though it's only been a few months since, that could not be further from where we are now. I just can't start our story there, though I'm certainly going to save that post for sometime down the road. Eventually the girl-meets-boy story will have to be told.

Until then. This is him..

Handsome fella, and the hat is permanent.

We had just signed for our first house together and as we were leaving the parking lot after a celebratory lunch, I said, "We're going to be roommates!", which still makes me laugh since we are also going to be parents, and one would think that sort of trumps the roommate milestone. This was his face. He makes it often. I love it.

Tonight we were talking about the children we may have later. The possibilities of our future are something we've discussed several times, to varying degrees of seriousness, and probably on both sides with varying degrees of faith and trust. I question myself frequently. I question my ability to make something last. I question whether I'm the kind of woman who can do more than one thing well. Can I be a mother, have a career, make a home, continually nurture a relationship, and do each thing well enough to be worthy of any? I don't yet have an answer.

I wonder sometimes how he is dealing, what he is thinking, if he is still happy and fulfilled being the man in my life. If he is as excited to be a parent with me as I am to be a parent with him. I keep waiting for there to be moments of hurt, or of wanting more, wanting me to not have the bags I came with, but what comes instead is moment after moment of love, support, and opportunity to build this life together. He is teaching me patience and acceptance and shows me every day what it is to let someone love you whatever way they know how.

He said something to me tonight that I will remember always. I hope when he reads this, he knows what it was.