My First Haul, a Novel

January 1st. Say that out loud. Then shake your head. Nutty.

[Something I learned about blogging today. If you start a post on January 1st, it doesn't matter when you finish, it will be dated January 1st. Also, When I stay up really late I lose my mind, and days, and think that Saturday is the 3rd. Feeling sheepish. Corrected error.]

Ok, so we're going to go on a fashion/beauty tilt here. I think I mentioned somewhere before that I'm a student, and unemployed at that. I just recently went on a tear through my closet and purged quite a hefty amount of sweaters, dresses, coats and such that were all just a tad too dressy for my current lifestyle. When my bankroll is feeling light I stick to one firm rule regarding any new non-essential acquisition - if it requires a special event for me to wear, it's not coming home in the bag. Simple, effective.

Trust and believe I stretch that rule to. dah. MAX. But it keeps me from coming home with this, even when it fits like a glove and tells my baby-craving uterus to hush! you couldn't wear this if you were nine months pregnant! Yup, that's the kind of psychological warfare I self-inflict all in the name of sticking to a budget. I cry for help. Does anybody hear me?!?!

So, let's go back readers to December 31st. I had a once-used compact of Nars Orgasm blush mocking me from the return/giveaway bin in my bathroom. (And PS - if you're ever the recipient of something from the return/giveaway basket in my bathroom, never fear. "My bathroom" is actually the guest/hall bathroom that is essentially one giant vanity where no one ever pees or otherwise undergoes exocrine functions. It's where I apply makeup, store overflow products, house my jewelry, etc etc. It's clean.) Back to the blush. I'm the only person on planet Earth that does not look, well, orgasmic in Nars Orgasm blush. I look orange with a glaze of gold dust and that ain't cute. I'm a Desire girl, a Deep Throat, and sometimes a Madly. SorryTiffanyD, not for me.

I track down my receipt, convince myself for the zillionth time that yes, it is ok to return a used cosmetic to the store if A) the store's return policy says so, B) you really did only use it once (ok, twice! gaaah, I wasn't sure!), and C) you practically own stock in Sephora with all the hard-earned babysitting money you've given to them over the years, pull on my coat, and head toward the door to fit in a quick return/exchange before the malls closes early for the coming of the new year. On my way out, I hear loving husband call from the mancave, "Oh hey baby, can you pick me up a pair of jeans?"

Uhm, wut?

Husband actually goes to his closet and retrieves a well-worn pair of Levi's 569s in his favorite color, holds them up, and says, "I want these. Can you get me these? Exactly these. In this color and this size. These. TheseTheseThese."

Make it stop mama, make it stop...!

"Of course honey. [checks watch, mall closes at 6, it is now 5:16, mall is 10 minutes away, it is raining, I live in Maryland, no one knows how to drive here, the quest for new products is clouding the priorities of my marriage...] Can you write down the style number and size for me?"

Which he does, so adorably, like I just agreed to get him that doggy in the window, and I go.

Sephora first. The girl behind the counter looked at me like I was returning a wad of used Q-tips. I felt shame. I spied a tube of Buxom Lip Gloss in a shade I have not yet tried and I got over it.

Left the store with:

Dr. Brandt Pores No More Vacuum Cleaner ($45)

Got a deluxe sample of this last week, used it twice on my sizable nose, and noticed a HUGE difference in the number of blackheads. I have typical oily skin and the pores in my T-zone are very prone to clogs. This worked great and the skin in my T-zone continues to improve in appearance and actual number of blackheads. The sample would probably last several weeks, if not well over a month, but I wanted my similar-skinned friend to give it a whirl so I used my GC to get a full-size and my sample to get good karma. Blackhead-free girl says "Woot!"

Buxom Lips Lip Gloss in Katie ($18)

I prefer Buxom to LipFusion. Both do what they say they will do - temporarily puff your pout - but Buxom stings less. Yay! And I like the color line a smidge better. I mean, let's be honest here... all lip glosses make your lips look bigger compared to when they were bare and all non-reflecting like, however, the difference I notice with Buxom (especially in pictures) is that my lips look not only bigger from top to bottom, but also poofier from, uhh, face.. to... world? Makes sense right?

Katie is about the most nude of all their colors. Completely absent of any pinks or oranges, but still not clear. It's peach without all that peachiness. It's perfect. Can't believe I, the queen of neutrals, owned the sex-kitten crimson Betty before this.

and lastly, DDF Sulfur Therapeutic Mask ($38).

Again with the 1,000-year war against oil. Supposed to be amazing for gross, congested, how are my elbows drier than the Griswald's Christmas turkey and yet I just can't get this slime the hell outta my face?!! skin. I'll let you know how it goes.

I leave Sephora and check my watch fully expecting it to be 5:59 and too late for me to run down the corridor to JC Penney where I know they have husband's jeans. It's 5:46. I bolt.

JC Penney changed its layout. I did the whole "this way, no wait, this way, no, wait, no, no wait, this way!" dance in the middle of the now jewelry department until I found ManLand. Felt like a moron. Then I felt like a jerkmoron having to ask a salesgirl just trying to straighten her sweater table and get out of there where the denim wall had been moved. (Oh yes friends, I used to work at Express. It's a denim wall, even in my own closet.) She points, I scurry.

Two rather mean looking young men are giving me a serious stank eye as I approach what I can only assume is the wall-O-denim they have just straightened. I give them my best side-smile-sorry-face which I hope also implies that I also used to be a slave to retail and understand their plight. I probably looked like I was about to seize-out. No matter, I need a 33W-32L. It doesn't exist. It exists in men's super skinnies, which I admit I was tempted to buy in the appropriate color and then giggle myself silly watching husband pull them on in haste, but in 569 there was not a drop to drink. I can say I tried and that's what counts. All I can think about is getting a big bottle of champagne (fine, sparkling wine, hrmph), so for the door I head.

SALE SALE SALE SALE SALE SALE SALE SALE!!!

How on earth did I miss the insanely huge sale going on right at the main entrance from the mall? I'm caught in a dizzying array, taking in racks of cute jewel-toned sweaters, fun party tops, American Living (which appeals to the prep in me), and all those designers doing lines for JCP (Bisou Bisou and Ronson anybody?).

But, wait... the store should be closing. Why are people casually skimming the racks like it's the week before Christmas and stores stay open 'til midnight? Does no one care about the plight of the retail worker??? Then I hear a woman say, "Thank goodness they're open until 7."

Something in me dies. The last thing I need to be doing is shopping for myself. I did just make a killing on Ebay (isn't it sad when you realize how many things you've never worn still have the tags on them??) so I decide I can afford to take a look. I'll spare you the rest. Just imagine a psychedelic trip through Candyland. I came away with a very disciplined five things, and here they are:

Oxford & Regent Knit Blazer, $58 marked down to $12.49

Almost passed this on the rack - I haven't been so much a fan of the knit blazer concept - but I am a glutton for buttons and these are fabo. Like hubs said when I showed him - "Looks like you're fighting for the Union." Civil War grey with black trim, double flap pockets, princess seaming, and pre "tjuzzed" sleeves. Looks comfy and chic on. I'm thinking big scarves, oxfords, dark skinnies and strap boots. Also a drapey jewel neck tunic with black leggings and bow heels. And that my friends is the stretching of the rule.

Twelfth of Eleven Stripe Pocket Tee, $30 marked down to $4.99

This shirt is redic. Reminds me of my favorite school dress from the 80s. Soft and light with an all-season color story. It's love. Long enough to be just slightly risqué over leggings with patent heels to kill and red lips. Or under new bff blazer if I'm feeling conservative. Might just rock it with panties and make husband some breakfast. I dunno, I'm not ready to commit.

ANA Ruffle Top, $34 marked down to 8.49

Ultra flattering tulip cap sleeves, casading v-shaped ruffles, banded hem, blousey but NOT bubbly. Whew. Ya'll know how to wear these - under anything, over nothing.

Twelfth of Eleven Pocket Henley, $44 marked down to $7.49

Simple white button-down henley with patch pocket and functional zipper back. Same material as the Stripe Tee and feels amazing. Lovely drape for such a cheap top and who doesn't need about a million of these for layering?

She Said Stripe Dolman, $36 marked down to $7.49

A little pre-spring shopping. As you can see, this is on the sheer side, it also drapes to the point of being far wider than it is long so that little v-neck scoop comes way down Boob Mountain. Still loved it on though. The banding hits at the right place on the hip and the extra hem fabric gives a cute little ruffled skirt kinda look. Skin tight white cigarette pants and kitten heels, bug-eyed sunglasses and a martini. On my back porch. Hey-yah!

Not sure how, or if, to winterize. Open to suggestions.

And that's it dollfaces. I'm beat. Got a few things coming in the mail from Martin & Osa's New Year's Day sale (doncha love sales for no damn reason?) and I suppose if I'm feeling skinny that day I'll post a few combos.

Say bye, Josh.

"Bye Josh!"